The problems of a couple are common in an established relationship, although they can be overcome and is not something that should be postponed because the relationship can worsen to a limit of no return. Currently, separations or divorces are more frequent and people are living less and less by living together.
I will explain how to solve partner problems in a simple way but with perseverance and willingness. So that you realize the importance of the matter, I leave you data of the countries with more divorces (data of the Business Insider):
- Czech Republic-66%.
- United States-53%.
- Venezuela 27%
Is it that now people are not happier living as a couple and before? Is it that now we can not stand as long as before? I have heard these opinions hundreds of times. That before there was perseverance in the couple, that before was loved during all the life.
In my opinion, the cause is not that we can hold on less now or do not know how to live together, but that now there is greater freedom and divorce is not badly perceived socially. If you divorce today will be normal and few will criticize. And your opinion what is it?
1-Understand your partner’s personal rules
We all have personal rules that we have been building throughout our existence.
For example, several rules of your partner could be: “I feel loved by my partner when he hugs me”, “I feel respected when they tell me where they are going and they ask me about my problems”, “I feel comfortable when the house is clean and ordered. ”
Not adapting to these rules can be an important cause of the deterioration of a relationship. And, however, it is rare that they know each other because we tend to believe that the other person has “our same vision of the world” and that is not the case.
- Have an interest in finding out the “personal rules” of your partner. Ask him what bothers him and what he likes and observes.
- Try to adapt to these personal rules and not break them.
- Communicate your “personal rules” to your partner. For example: “I would feel respected if when you get home you tell me where you have been” or “I would feel more loved if when you get home you give me a kiss”.
- Create common rules: for example, “when we see that we are going to start arguing angry we will do something else quickly until the anger goes away” or “when I get angry I’ll tell you and I’ll do something else”.
2-Use an assertive language
“No one understands you”, “you’re never going to change” or “you’re wrong in the head” are personal aggressive and attack expressions that will never feel good to anyone and that they may remember for a long time.
It is that language that must be eliminated from your vocabulary and replaced by another that is not aggressive. You can change “there is no one who understands you” for “I do not understand you”, “you will never change” for “I would like you to make the bed in the morning” and avoid insults such as “you are bad in the head” or “you are crazy”.
- When you want to express something that bothers you, do not attack something personal-these are destructive critics-but something specific. For example, you can say that the food is a bit burned instead of telling you that it is a bad cook. You can also say that he has not cleaned up instead of saying he is a piggy.
- Never insult
- Control your facial expression and non-verbal communication. That be assertive, not aggressive.
- Avoid returning attacks and therefore the escalation of discussions.
3-Respect your partner
About a month ago I spoke with a friend who did not stop criticizing her boyfriend (which I think is disrespectful). I told her then why she was with him and she said she would have to look for something better. Amazing! A total sample of emotional dependence.
This example is only a form of disrespect, although there are many more: lying, despising, not being considered, not caring about the other’s problems …
- If you really love your partner, feel a sincere curiosity and respect and that will be noticed.
- Do not discuss your partner’s personal issues in public. They are personal and private.
- Worry about the problems and show your interest in helping to solve them, although not overwhelming.
- Do not let them treat you badly either. If they do, communicate it assertively and if the lack of respect continues, reflect on whether it is best to get away.
4-Be grateful to have your partner
It is very common for some member of the couple – or both – to get used to it and believe that their partner will be next to them all their lives, regardless of whether they are not as kind or attentive as they once were.
However, one day one of the two begins to tire, begins to think what his life would be like with another person or knows another person. Until she tires and abandons her husband or boyfriend.
- Try to be attentive and kind in a persevering way.
- Know what makes your partner happy.
- Do new things: activities together, trips …
5-Do not be emotionally dependent
This would be the opposite of the previous case. It is not good to “pass the couple” although it is not good to be too dependent and be all day pending the couple, needing it for everything.
In reality, this dependent behavior causes the person to move away and show less interest. Also being dependent is not healthy and it is dysfunctional.
- Seek to be happy and independent. But that happiness does not depend on your partner. That is, your partner will be one more part of your happiness.
- Do activities independently, it is not good to share everything with the couple. It is healthy for each member of the couple to have their own life. In this way, there would be “life in common” and “individual life”.
- Work your self-esteem, dependent people usually have it low.
6-Open and improve your communication
It’s not about you having to tell your whole life, even your traumatic experiences. If you feel comfortable going forward even if you are not obligated.
Although for your partner you may feel upset if you do not share with her some information that is more serious like that party outing, a child with another couple, a previous marriage … Here you would already have a lie or at least hide the truth.
- Share with your partner the information you think is necessary for your comfort: previous weddings, children, parties, friendships …
- Do not lie, because in the end, it is very likely that the truth is known.
Trust is basic in the couple. If you are not able to build it or if you feel that you can not trust anymore, you will not be able to feel true well-being.
It is likely that if you do not trust, you are constantly asking how to leave or if you should be separated. You may not do it because you are afraid of staying alone or alone and prefer to be with someone.
Over time, everything deteriorates because you will show the same interest, consideration, and affection as before and your partner will notice, doing the same, which in turn will affect you. This becomes a cycle whose end is separation.
- Try to work trust. Communicate with your partner to tell him what things you would like him to change.
- Show that your partner can trust you. Consider yourself and try to adapt to him/her.
- The adaptation of one to another does not have to be total and unidirectional. That is to say, each member has to “lend a little to the elbow”.
8-Pay attention to your partner
It is true that this is something that men fall into more. Normally man is less able to perceive how his woman feels from facial expressions.
Then those expressions are given as “there is no one who understands you”. Actually, the couple is showing a series of gestures or behavior for which they expect you to feel worried and you may not even notice. In fact, sometimes women have to be extremely desolate for the husband or boyfriend to notice and show interest.
- Be attentive to body signals and your partner’s mood. It is not that you are asking all day if it is okay, only when you see important changes.
- Try to encourage the other person when you perceive those moods.
9-Do not show passive aggressiveness
In my opinion, passive aggressiveness is one of the most unpleasant and disrespectful behaviors that can be.
They are behaviors like:
- Do not talk to the couple.
- Criticize the back or try to discredit.
- Try to annoy voluntarily so that the other person feels bad.
Normally people believe that it is not aggressiveness although it is, because it is attacking the self-esteem and personal value of the other person. It is, therefore, a great lack of respect and the other person will take it into account.
- Be aware of this kind of behavior and avoid them. Do not show them and do not let them show them to you either.
- If you are in a bad mood because your partner has done something you do not like, let them know. You could say “now I do not want to talk, I’m angry because you have not paid any attention to me. Please leave me alone. “
- Vengeful actions that hurt only cause guilt and more harm. Also, if you really want to show it, the best solution may be to get away or end the relationship. End the relationship before revenge.
10-Control negative thoughts
Toxic thoughts are the triggers of many meaningless discussions. They are due to a misinterpretation of behaviors, affirmations or attitudes.
Some examples are:
- Feeling underestimated because your partner is watching TV and does not look at you. You can think “look at him he’s already watching the game and he despises me”.
- Feeling jealous because your partner talks happily with another person. You might think “they’re fooling around, they’re sure they’ve already messed up”.
- Misinterpret neutral affirmations. For example, your partner tells you “can you bring me a glass of water?” And you think “I’m already being a slave”.
- Question toxic thoughts and avoid them. How do you know they are true? Have you checked?
- Learn to communicate assertively and without making personal attacks.
- Do not let those toxic thoughts influence you to show hurtful or aggressive behavior.
- Calm down when you notice that you are about to “explode” in an argument.
- Avoid negative internal chats with yourself.
- Listen when your partner speaks and develop your empathy .
- Think that your partner is not your property. Simply share your life.
And what problems do you usually have? Have you been able to solve them? What has served you? I’m interested in your opinion through comments Thank you!