- Phases of mourning after a love break
- Steps to overcome a love break
A breakup of a couple is common in life; We have all had to go through some, either because it was a toxic relationship or because of infidelity. In most cases, people do not know how to manage this type of situation, which is why conflicts arise and tension and suffering increase between them.
In this article, I will explain how to overcome a breakup of a couple, be it a formal or informal relationship, marital or de facto, and have children or not. In the end, the pain is the same and with the help of psychology, you can better cope with these bad moments.
The couple Breakups and couple separations have been growing progressively. According to the Business Insider, these are the statistics of separations by countries:
- Czech Republic-66%.
- United States-53%.
- Venezuela 27%
New technologies seem to have helped make it easier to end a relationship: an estimated 28 million couples break each year due to causes derived from social networks such as Facebook or WhatsApp.
To face a sentimental separation, to assume it and overcome the lack of love is hard, although you do not have to worry too much or give too much importance. Most breakdowns go through a phase of mourning, but over time and knowing how to manage your emotions, you will overcome it.
According to a survey by “The Telegraph”, before finding the ideal partner or with whom we will spend more time, men and women have on average two separations or “heart breaks”.
Normally, to get out of the bad stage, you ask for help from friends or people with experience and they often say things like “time heals everything” or “come out and have fun” and in reality they are often right. With the advice that I do not agree is with the one of “go out and get yourself another”, since that could lead to dependence or not to solve the grief properly.
To make my indications more reliable, I will base the article on scientific strategies that have proven to be more effective in overcoming these situations. Before, I will also explain some concepts that will help you better understand the situation you have to face.
If you have not broken your relationship yet, you can visit this article about common couple problems and ways to solve them.
Phases of mourning after a love break
If you have ended a relationship, you are probably going through a “duel”. Your ex-partner is no longer in your life and you will be going through a process of loss. There are also people who do not go through this stage, although in that case, I do not think they need help.
Undoubtedly, knowing these phases will help you understand the process you are going through and avoid certain complicated situations that can cause even more pain.
In this phase you will refuse to accept that the relationship is over, it will be hard for you to believe that the rupture has occurred, you will feel sadness and probably cry, something that you should not repress since it is normal.
If you go through this phase, you will feel that someone has treated you unfairly or that you have been betrayed. If it was the other / who left you, you wonder how he could do that and you will be surprised that it does not affect him as it is affecting you. Not all of us have to face the rupture in the same way since each one has his own perspective.
In this phase there is usually a deep sadness and there may be aggression and anxiety.
In this phase, people usually look for solutions and agreements for the ex-couple to return. You may act impulsively, sending messages, calling or asking to go back to your ex.
But as you well know, negotiations rarely end well. Every rupture takes a time where it is necessary to assume that one or both of them wanted to put an end to the relationship.
A healthy negotiation could end, for example, staying as friends and not losing that trust you once held. But it is not always so easy since for either of you it could be painful, because you still feel for that person and do not assume the breakup.
That’s why I recommend taking some time to be able to at least be friends. If it is not viable, it will be best to distance yourself forever.
4- Desperation and depression
In this phase, you will begin to understand that the relationship has ended and that you are not going to return. That’s when a deep sadness and possible depression begins, with feelings of despondency and hopelessness.
Symptoms, like eating a little or a lot or sleeping a little or a lot and not wanting to go out, are normal. But calm that this phase will pass, but with the speed that you do it will depend on your way of managing it.
In this phase you accept that you ended up with your partner, you are recovering your strength and you do not have so many negative thoughts. Although you have good memories of your partner, they do not cause you as much suffering as before and you start to talk again normally about your past relationship.
Steps to overcome a love break
1- Accept the situation
In some situations, a reconciliation will be possible and in others, it is highly recommended that the relationship is permanently terminated.
To deal with the break you must accept your situation and not tell yourself that it is a bad pothole and a temporary separation. It is not that the break is good, but that it is real.
Expressing yourself and talking to yourself and others is very important, even if you are in a bad mood or very sad.
A good way to deal with this situation is to write a diary of what you are thinking and feeling. Writing your thoughts makes your brain can process information more easily. Because you do not fully understand the situation, it will help you understand it and know what is happening since everything has been a shock.
In this aspect, you will have to take into account the effect called the “white bear”. It’s about when you try not to think about a white bear, you actually start thinking more about it.
The same thing happens if you think about your ex-partner. Do not get overwhelmed or try to eliminate that thought or memory, just accept it and understand that it is a normal phase and that over time it will happen.
If you still do not know what steps to take to end a relationship, this article will interest you.
2- Avoid Anger
As you could read at the point of mourning, something common after a separation is anger, which will only bring you bad consequences.
Try to recognize it when you feel it and avoid showing it with any action. For this, you can practice exercise, meditate or practice relaxation exercises.
To recognize it, it is advisable that you pay attention to your thoughts and let them pass. These negative thoughts must see them as black clouds, which sometimes flood your days, but you must let them pass.
3- Do not get in touch
Avoid the stimuli or situations that remind you of your ex-partner.
It is normal the temptation to get on Facebook to see what you are doing, see photos or call him. But this will only make it more difficult to overcome, it will create more pain and lengthen the recovery.
It is not about forgetting, after all, it is someone who shared part of your life. The goal is to create a new life and to overcome the situation. It will be especially important at the beginning to avoid places that you shared or see photos. Over time it will not be so painful.
Other things you can do:
- When you observe that you are about to “fall into temptation” (see photos, visit the facebook, call), immediately start doing something else. For example, if you are going to enter your Facebook, turn off the computer and go out to play sports.
- It will be your decision to get rid of objects such as photos or clothes. In my opinion, it is better to do it.
4- Create your new life
Depending on how much you shared with your ex-partner, you will have to change more or fewer habits of your life.
To solve the break you need to start building your new life little by little. You will do this by building new personal relationships, doing new activities and changing certain negative habits.
“Create your new life” will be based on creating social and personal resources:
- Seek support from friends and family. Talking about the break is beneficial.
- Create new friendships It is likely that you share friendships with your ex-partner and at least at the beginning of the breakup it may be good that you do not see. Sign up for workshops, courses, sports …
- Adopt new habits: running, improving your fitness in the gym, dancing, cooking, writing …
- Set new goals and get excited. Visit this article to learn how to do it.
- Work your personal resources: personal resources such as independence or raise your self-esteem.
5- Learn to be independent
Being independent is learned with the attitude of needing only yourself to achieve goals and live, not need anyone to achieve things and enjoy life.
It is a competition that will help you achieve professional goals, improve the quality of life and have better personal relationships. Therefore, to be independent is not to be solitary or isolated, but to depend solely on yourself to be happy.
You do not learn to be independent oversight. As in everything, it is necessary to go step by step. Make a list, at the beginning with simple tasks and progressing to more difficult activities. For example:
– Eat alone.
-Go to the supermarket alone.
-Ask for self-defense classes only.
-Make a trip alone.
-Go to a coffee alone.
And finally, I consider as the most important thing: to learn to control that your happiness depends on you. That is, you are not happy only when someone tells you that you are handsome or that you do not feel bad because someone tells you something unpleasant. From now on, your well-being will be in your control, forget about being emotionally dependent.
This does not mean that you become lonely or afraid of commitment. It’s about that you can feel comfortable and happy with yourself, even if you’re alone.
6- Recognize and change your negative thoughts
The way you interpret the break and your situation will contribute to the speed of your recovery. A person who after a break believes that he is now more free, has more free time or has matured, will recover more quickly than someone who has negative thoughts.
You have to be aware of your perceptions and thoughts in the here and now to change those negative thoughts, feelings, and moods.
For example, before a break you can think:
– That you are not going to find another couple and that you will go badly (negative thought).
-What is an opportunity to learn and that the next relationship will be better?
Logically, the second interpretation will help you a lot more to overcome the situation. Work therefore the observation of your thoughts and questions some as: “I will not find anyone else who loves me”, “I’m worth nothing”, “I’ll be alone / to the rest of my life.” This will only help you maintain your pain.
Something common in a break is that you feel guilty or responsible for it.
This technique is based on examining the situations that led to the break (everything, not just the recent) and logically attribute responsibility to each member of the couple.
It is not about you getting rid of all the responsibility, but about giving each member the responsibility he deserves and not attributing it to him.
-What events led to the break? Could some of the responsibility be attributed to your ex?
You can reflect and, if it is helpful, write the new “retribution”.
- He/she did not keep his promise.
- He was no longer considered and did not show kindness.
8- Improve your self-esteem
The benefits of self-esteem are numerous; it is associated with happiness, resilience, motivation, health, and productivity.
The key to improving your self-esteem is to change the way you interpret your life, analyze the negative interpretations you make of the facts and create new thoughts and goals that encourage the growth of your self-esteem.
9- Find role models
A role model is someone who has already achieved or does the action we want to do.
Science has shown that role models can help us know how to solve a problem and motivate us.
Do you have an example of a strong man or woman who has gone through a break without great difficulties? Find him and learn from him/her.
In relationships, there are no good and bad, guilty and innocent, but there are good and bad relationships.
Overcoming a separation is a difficult and unpleasant process although over time you will recover and have even learned to do better in the next relationship. Using certain techniques, habits and avoiding certain behaviors will be easier for you.
“Kisses that come laughing, then crying they leave, and in them life goes away that will never come back. Miguel de Unamuno
And what have you done to overcome this situation? Can you tell me your experience in comments below? I’m interested. Thank you!